The Drive-On Rag
"NEVER GIVE A SUCKER AN EVEN BREAK"
301444Z JUL The Unofficial Newspaper of Cabanas í98 volume 1
Welcome all you SF Troopers to "Cabanas 98" Iím not sure why I said that but it sure sounds official donít it? Anyway, the editorial staff of The Drive-On Rag is proud to admit that this rag is a total rip-off of 20th SF groupís miserable little Rag of the same name. The opinions and articles expressed in The Drive-On Rag are in no way intended to kiss anyoneís 4th point of contact. So if you find yourself feeling insulted by the stellar journalism being practiced at The Drive-On Rag, we are bound by the highest ethics standards to print rebuttals and the like of weak-minded individuals, in the editorialsection. DRIVE-ON!
SOLDIERS CAUGHT EATING BIG MACS
Yesterday, The Drive-On Rag learned that there were some soldiers caught red-handed eating Big Macs and fries for lunch. Now these yayhoos knew full well that the only authorized lunch on Camp Santiago is the Meal Rejected by Ethiopia, or MRE. A 7th Group source was quoted as saying "Iím gonna find out who is responsible, and Iím gonna GIT that sucka!" This of course has led to the new camp rule: No soldier shall eat Big Macs while in BDUís at any time on the camp. Period.
WILD HORSIES ON CAMP
During morning PT at the track, an unnamed PSYOP unit was conducting their usual daily dozen in their normal extended rectangular PT formation when someone heard a noise. Now this noise wasnít your usual run-of-the-mill PT-formation-distracter, this was a loud and thunderous "RHE-E-E-I-R-R-R-R-R!! The soldier, SSG Jones of 9th PSYOP BN, let out a rather loud laugh as others turned to witness the horror before them. Offensive to some, and exciting to others, were one horse mounted on the other in all their glory, gettingí jiggy wití it for the world to see! Shocked, PV2 Beckís face turned beet red as the dayís instructor, SSG Crouch tried not to pay attention. This of course was futile, since her count of "one, two, three" quickly became "one two...uhÖuh, is this allowed here?" If this is offensive to you, just take solace with the fact that upon interviewing the horses, The Drive-On Ragís roving reporter heard that the horses will seek out any units on post conducting organized PT and will perform a live sex act show in front of that formation. "The track seems to be a great place for morning horse sex and PT formations at dawn," said one mare.
ASK SGT BOB
DEAR SGT BOB: "Is drinking beer allowed during my stay here in Puerto Rico?" -A Thirsty SSG
Dear SSG Jackass: Ever hear of the "Golden Rule": He who has the gold, makes the rules? Well guess what? SouthCom has the gold, and you DONíT! The Drive-On Rag has determined the ACTUAL reasons for this silly rule. If all you yayhoos were allowed to drink beer, it would lead to other more serious offenses, which are much more intolerable than merely having a couple of brewskis. These activities include, but are not limited to Billiards, Poker games in the barracks, and smoking.
DEAR SGT BOB: "I miss my wife and kids. Are there any more phones on Camp Santiago?" A Lonesome SFC
Dear Lonesome Dove: Look, there are over 300 people on this camp, and it looks like 3 phones in the barracks area. If you feel motivated, you can change into BDUís, hop in your HMMWV and cruise on over to the 2 phones at the PX. A warfighter like you should be patient with the yayhoo on the phone in front of you. Even if you feel like choking the living shit out of the phone hog and yanking out his fingernails one by one because you canít stand to hear one more hour of saccharin sweet love-sick immature crap emit from his vocal sewer into the phone receiver like: "Oh, honey, tell me you love me 67 more times;" or "Schnookums, if you love me, play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the phone keypadÖ" Maybe you can make that authorized morale call between 2000hrs and 0500hrs on the STU. OOPS!! Looks like the S1 is closed at 1700 and the FOB at 2000hrs. Sorry.
MSG Bob is a graduate of Recondo school, PLDC, Q Course (3rd time go), MFF, Lo-Risk SERE, Air Assault, Jumpmaster, and is a former Laundry and Bath Specialist. He has done special duty as a bellhop at Army Guest Housing activities throughout CONUS and OCONUS.
US POSTAL SERVICE RELEASES 7TH GROUP POSTAGE STAMP
The US Postal Service is proud to issue its latest stamp commemorating all the effort and hard work of US Army Special Forces by releasing its first stamp in honor of El Guapo. This extremely limited edition stamp will no doubt be a sought after collectorís item for hard core philatelics around the world. SFC Davis excitedly said "Iím gonna be the first kid on my block to put an El Guapo on all my Christmas cards this year! Momís gonna be so proud of me!"
The editorial staff of The Drive-On Rag welcomes any submissions for articles and commentary of vital interest to US Troops stationed abroad. Because of the massive response, The Drive-On Rag has had to institute the following procedures concerning submission of articles: First, the writer must be in BDUís while writing his typed, double-spaced article. Submissions will be accepted at the offices of The Drive-On Rag between 0336 and 0337 hrs only, while in civilian clothes only. Articles will not be accepted from anyone not wearing flip-flops without socks. DRIVE-ON!