The Drive-On Rag


031257Z AUG The Unofficial Newspaper of Cabanas í98 volume 2

Camp Santiago (UPI) Looking for entertainment, or just somewhere to hang out, ODA 715 went to the Officerís club to check it out. Upon arrival, the staffís rather large bouncers promptly threw them one by one into the gutter. To add insult to injury, the bouncer said, "The NCO Club is the MESS HALL! Ha ha ha! Go hang out there you losers!" So, the downtrodden ODA went to the mess hall. Alas, they were also thrown out of there by a zealous mess hall police officer. "If you are not eating, then LEAVE!" was the word. Well, that O Club bouncer couldnít have been more wrong since Camp Santiagoís MWR activity has just announced the opening of the Camp Santiago NCO Club and Restaurant! The Grand Opening will be Sat night Aug 8. There will be dancing with music played by a local DJ, billiards, darts, and video games. Snacks will be available at the bar. The Restaurant has a full menu with lots of local dishes served. Oh, and bring your coins, Sunday night is Coin Night where SSG Rhodes is buying a round for all that show before 2000hrs. The location of the NCO Club and Restaurant is behind building 407 near the PT Track. Hours are 1600-0230 Fri-Sat and 1600-2400hrs Mon-Thurs. Mention this article for a free refill of any beverage, and tell them The Drive-On Rag squared you away!
In a previous edition of The Drive-On Rag, it was reported that soldiers were caught eating Big Macs for lunch while in BDUís. Today, The Drive-On Rag learned that the camp rule: No soldier shall eat Big Macs while in BDUís at any time on the camp, has been repealed due to The Drive-On Ragís publicizing of this most silliest of rules. Now, because The Drive-On Rag squared you away, you can now eat Big Macs for lunch while in BDUís. However, the camp rule: No soldier shall eat Taco Bell Gorditas while in BDUís, still stands. You canít win ëem all.
Camp Santiago is quickly emerging from the dark ages right before our very eyes. Imagine the delight of The Drive-On Rag staff when we discovered that the camp is getting cable TV. Current plans include 4 TVs and a satellite dish with one controller (to allow everyone on all 4 TVís to see the same thing at all times). Facilities for the campís viewing comfort will be available, and the Playboy channel will be fed into the NCO Club.
DEAR SGT BOB: "Iíve never been to Puerto Rico before and I would like to see something off post. What should I do?" -A Thirsty SSG
Dear SSG Jackass: Are you the same lameass that asked me about drinking beer last time? Why I oughta ream you a new hole! All you yayhoos think about is getting off post and going downtown. Look jerky, we just got a new NCO Club, and a TV set! If you still want to leave camp, just hook up with one of the rental cars. Hell, we have something like 4 cars for over 300 people. When will the free wheeling, big money spending madness stop? In these days of do more with fewer people and no per diem, take what you can get and quit complaining! Itís whiners like you that degrade the force. When my daddy was in ëNam he took snivelers like you and beat them into submission! Consider yourself lucky to be doing Lane setup all day! Hereís a quarter, go wait in line for a phone and call someone that cares!
DEAR SGT BOB: "Can you give me any advice on room clearing?" A Curious SSG
Dear Confused: Finally, a legitimate question from a legitimate soldier. This is the stuff that my column is intended for, not some snivelers asking about beer, phones, and R&R. First, drop and give me 150 pushups. Then, low-crawl over to your Team Sergeant like the worm that you are, and tell him you are an idiot! Then drop, give him 150 pushups and ask to borrow his Ranger Handbook while in the front leaning rest and turn to page 6-30. Thatís where, you will find your answer, dirtbag!
Got a question for SGT Bob? Just put it on a post-it-note and stick it in the 3d stall on the wall. Heíll find it!
MSG Bob is a graduate of Recondo school, PLDC, Q Course (3rd time go), MFF, Lo-Risk SERE, Air Assault, Jumpmaster, and is a former Laundry and Bath Specialist. He has done special duty as a bellhop at Army Guest Housing activities throughout CONUS and OCONUS.
I guess the headline just says it all...Ö
In response to the Big Mac controversy stirred by The Drive-On Rag, The 7th Group source that was quoted as saying "Iím gonna GIT that sucka!" is now backpedaling and claiming to be misquoted! Not only that, but this unnamed source (now referred to as a yayhoo by The Ragís staff) has threatened to sue The Drive-On Rag! Well we at The Drive-On Rag will not be swayed from providing Cabanas 98 with good old-fashioned honest journalism. Especially since Bill Gates bought this newspaper yesterday for an undisclosed amount. Whoever wants to sue The Drive-On Rag will have to deal with Microsoftís legal staff, known as "The Regulators" (heh heh heh). Good luck, sucka!

Ever wonder why mess halls donít do breakfast a little later on Saturday and Sunday?
Place a free ad in The Drive-On Rag, submit it as in SGT Bobís column.

Submissions will be accepted at the offices of The Drive-On Rag anytime. Just put it in the 3d stall, you know the deal! DRIVE-ON!



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