The Drive-On Rag 5
"LIGHTS ARE ON, GATES ARE DOWN, BUT THE TRAINíS NOT COMING!"
100342Z AUG The Unofficial Newspaper of Cabanas í98 volume 5
"Boy, Iím sweating my ass off!"
Any Soldier at Cabanas
"Iím gonna GIT that sucka!"
MSG Simpson, 7th GP
"You canít bust my balls, Iím a Reservist"
SSG Phillips, 20th GP
ASK SGT BOB
DEAR SGT BOB: I got a negative counseling from my rater today, and some NCOís snagged a copy of it. Do you think you can stop it from being printed in the Rag? An Embarrassed CPT
Dear CPT Drewett: Look, I canít help it if you canít score with chicks. And I canít help it if you have those "high standards" that donít allow you to look at any female on the planet! I can promise you however that I will recommend to the Editor that he refrain from printing the "EXTRA" that he is almost finished with. Unfortunately, your counseling statement is the headline for that issue. But he really likes me, and I really like you, so Iíll see what I can do. (heh heh)
DEAR SGT BOB: I still donít think The Drive-On Rag is very funny. A Serious LTC
DEAR LTC: YES SIR!
Feeling incorrect? Need some advice? Got a question for SGT Bob? Just put it on a post-it-note and stick it in the 3d stall on the wall. Heíll find it!
We found out that MSG Bob is basically a total loser and exemplifies the "Shit Floats to the Top" theory of the Army promotion system. He also embodies "The Dilbert Principle" which dictates that a shitty manager be promoted to a level where he can cause the least amount of damage to operations. The "Kicked Upstairs Theory" if you will. He remains, and always will be a former Laundry and Bath specialist.
WHAT THE DEALIO?
Monicaís dress, Embassy bombings: could someone be wagging the dog?
The Drive-On Rag has been conducting an undercover investigation of those bong-looking things seen around camp. These are interesting devices. The herb is placed in a special cup with a chrome straw. This pipe is no ordinary pipe. The lower end has a filter, which filters out the herb, so you get a cool, clean sip. Cold water is then added. Once you are done taking your hit, it is then passed off to the next staff officer, who fills it with water for his hit. Once enough hits are taken off the herb to render it flavorless, new buds are added, and the process repeats. Be cautious of the herb if offered an opportunity to suck on the peace pipe. You may come up hot on the next urinalysis for tea!
CAMP MESS HALL WINS ARMY DFAC OF THE YEAR
The Armyís Quartermaster Corps has selected the Mess hall at Bldg. 604 as this yearís recipient of the Army Dining Facility of the Year. This yearís competition included DFACís from around the globe as the Armyís QM team of judges traveled to evaluate each mess hall. "The excellent variety and tastiness of their frosty beverages were among the deciding factors. Also noted was the aggressive recycling program. But what clinched the award was the absolute best in flavor present during all meals served. All in all, a wonderful dining experience that outpaced all other mess halls in the Army." A spokesman for the QM team said.
You may have noticed a new look to The Drive-On Rag this issue. We were ordered to honor the El Guapo stamp by placing it in our heading. This came from a zealous 20th Group member who said that "You better honor the Man, or I will switch to reading "La Voz" instead of your Rag!" Well trooper, that sounds like an offer we CAN"T refuse, since he is one of our 7 subscribers. Donít miss the next issue, when we publish CPT Drewettís counseling statement in its entirety. Guaranteed to be unabridged and unembellished! Just the way you like your Rag. Remember: here at Cabanas 98, you canít buy The Drive-On Rag. The Rag is free, but itís not cheap. So if youíre on The Rag, then your buddy must want to be on The Rag, too. So git off your dead ass and make some copies for him. Drive-On!