The Drive-On Rag6

"FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DONíT GIVE A DAMN!"

140342Z AUG The Unofficial Newspaper of Cabanas í98 volume 6

CPT DREWETT COUNSELED!

Look, nothing more needs to be said about this yayhoo than block 8 & 9 of the DA 4856. So without further adieu, The Drive-On Rag is proud to print this officerís counseling statement word for word:
Block 8 Date & Circumstances: 09 AUG 98/INABILITY TO AT LEAST MAINTAIN A CONVERSATION WITH A FEMALE.
Block 9 Date/Summary of Counseling: 09 AUG 98; CPT DREWETT, YOU ARE BEING COUNSELED REGARDING YOUR PERFORMANCE ON THE EVENING OF 08 AUG 98 AND YOUR INABILITY TO MAINTAIN OR EVEN STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH A FEMALE. CPT DREWETT, I NOTICED THAT WHILE AT THIS "CLUB," YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WERE FAR TOO HIGH. ANYBODY THAT HAS BEEN IN THE ARMY FOR AT LEAST A DAY KNOWS THAT YOUR EXPECTATIONS FOR SELECTING A FEMALE DROP, AND ANYBODY THAT HAS EVER DEPLOYED BEFORE WILL TELL YOU THAT THE STANDARDS DROP EVEN MORE. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS YOUR FIRST DEPLOYMENT WITH THE UNIT Editorís note: Case of Beer! AND I WILL TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION WHILE REVIEWING YOUR OER IN THE NEAR FUTURE, BUT IT IS SIMPLY AN EXCUSE; EXCUSES ARE LIKE ASSHOLES, EVERYONE HAS ONE. I WANTT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM PERSONALLY DISAPPOINTED AND YOU LET ME DOWN LAST NIGHT. I SUGGEST YOU CONFER WITH THE NCOíS YOU WORK WITH AND TRY TO WORK THROUGH THIS PROBLEM YOU HAVE. THE NCOíS OF THIS UNIT ARE A WEALTH OF INFORMATION WHEN IT COMES TO CHICKS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES. IF IT IS SIMPLY A PROBLEM OF HIGH EXPECTATIONS, DONíT WORRY, THOSE NCOíS WILL LOWER THEM FOR YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. TRUST ME, IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT, THEY WILL MAKE SURE YOU WALK OUT OF THAT CLUB WITH SOME KIND OF "COMPANION." I JUST HOPE IT DOESNíT COME DOWN TO THAT, BECAUSE IF THEY "HOOK YOU UP," YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELFWHEN YOU WAKE UP NEXT TO THAT BEAST THE NEXT MORNING. IF YOU WORK THROUGH THE PROBLEM AND FIND THAT IS DUE TO SOME HIDDEN OR REPRESSED CHILDHOOD MEMORY, LET ME KNOW, WE CAN GET YOU ENROLLED IN SOME OF THE FINE RECOVERY PROGRAMS THAT ARE AT FORT BRAGG. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE AGAIN REMEMBER, BEING SHOT DOWN IS BETTER THAN NOT BEING SHOT AT ALL. YOUR PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHT BROUGHT DISCREDIT UPON YOURSELF, YOUR UNIT, AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA; BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THE OFFICER CORPS (WE CANíT HAVE ENLISTED GUYS SHOWING US UP ALL THE TIME) THAT IS ENOUGH OF THE NEGATIVE FOR NOW, IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU GET BACK UP ON THAT HORSE AND DONíT LET ME DOWN AGAIN. FOR CORRECTIVE TRAINING I AM ORDERING YOU TO CONTINUE PRQCTICING YOUR "SOCIALIZING SKILLS," GIVING YOU ONE WEEK FROM THIS DAY TO CORRECT YOUR PROBLEM
CPT Drewett is the SIGO for 1/7 SFG. This is his first deployment-EVER! What a guy!
_____________________________________________________
LOCH NESS MONSTER BEAT TO DEATH IN CAMP SANTIAGO POOL
Last Night during a clandestine 3-man SF dive operation training event, the Loch Ness monster was spotted on the floor of the deep end of the pool. The startled divers quickly worked together as an efficient military machine, exiting the pool and grabbing the nearest sheleileigh. Then, with military precision the 3 man 7th Group dive team proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the humoungous beast! After about 20 minutes of continuous pummeling, the creature finally expired. The dive team quickly ex-filíd silently into the night. SFC Bugler said, "I am satisfied that we did our part to keep Camp Santiago safe."
_____________________________________________________
MSG SIMPSON FOUND DEAD IN POOL
Early this morning, swimmers arriving at the pool for morning PT discovered a body floating in the water face down. The unfortunate victim, identified as MSG Simpson, was pronounced deader than disco by Camp TMC doctors. His last words were "BuehlerÖÖBuehlerÖ" "It appeared he died of massive wounds inflicted by no less than 3 sheleighleighs", said one examiner. "There was no drowning involved at all," he added. The crime is being investigated by Camp Santiago MPís elite Homicide Investigation unit. "We have no leads as of yet," said one investigator, "but we are doing all we can." "We think the crime was committed last night. And we also think that he may have drowned, since he was found in the pool. Weíre looking for someone named Buehler for questioning." An observer commented, "The Homicide Unit has never failed to solve a murder. This can be said simply because it is their first."
_____________________________________________________
EDITORIAL
This week, SGT Bob has been having gastro-intestinal difficulties that prevent him from doing his normal column. He has been spending time in his 3d stall, presumably waiting for a post-it note that never comes. So he says. Damn Laundry and Bath Specialist with a tab!ÖDr. Evil was detained a couple of nights ago. Details in issue 7! Remember: here at Cabanas 98, you canít buy TheDrive-On Rag. The Rag is free, but itís not cheap. So if youíre on The Rag, then your buddy must want to be on The Rag, too. So git off your dead ass, you know the deal! Drive-On!

Links!!

The FIELD COMMANDER'S Podium

The Drive-On Rag Archives