The Drive-On Rag 7
"LIGHTS ARE ON, GATES ARE DOWN, BUT THE TRAINíS NOT COMING!"
100342Z AUG The Unofficial Newspaper of Cabanas í98 volume 7DR. EVIL ARRESTED
Two nights ago, the nefarious Dr. Evil was arrested and detained by the Southam BNís elite Guard Unit. Dr. Evil, posing as SSG Martinez, a PSYOP NCO, was quietly working when he decided to take a break. Upon return, he was quickly arrested by the guard, escorted into the interrogation room, and was questioned by SGT Sosa, of Argentina. After getting nowhere, the J2 representative showed up and escorted him over to the J2. There, he was further interviewed, where he implicated several officers in a related secret plot to disrupt PKOís throughout the world. The officers named were CPT Vereen, MAJ Dulaney, and CPT Rahn, all co-conspirators that are posing as PSYOP officers. These officers are in fact, part of a greater conspiracy to ultimately cause war around the world. Presumably so that they can keep their jobs. In addition, they have extensive holdings in Latin America and Europe. All are known avid Putt-Putt golf players. Their sphere of influence stretches from the farthest point on the exercise map, to the inner sanctums of the CJTF itself. After questioning Dr. Evil and getting the goods on those officers, the J2 released him on his own recognizance to return to posing as SSG Martinez.
DFAC LOSES AWARD
In an unfortunate twist of events, the Bldg. 604 Mess Hallís DFAC of the year award was revoked following allegations of misappropriation of chicken at the dinner meal of 17 AUG. That evening, the mess hall was packed to the hilt with starving exercise players from every nation. So full, that personnel had to go outside to eat their dinner. This resulted in the chicken being annihilated within 30 minutes, leaving what appeared to be some form of beef stew. Meanwhile the Bldg. 601 mess hall was nearly vacant, with plenty of food for all. This gross negligence was made known to the Army Quartermaster High Command, which revoked the prestigious award promptly. "We canít have mis-management of chicken in any Army mess hall," said a QM spokesman. "This indicates a greater management problem with the Camp Santiago mess hall system, possibly resulting in a 15-6 investigation. This will become known as either "Chickengate" or "Chickenwater." Depending on your political affiliation."
DRIVE-ON RAG EXPOSED
The Drive-On Rag, after maintaining years of tight secrecy of operations, has finally been compromised. Leaks at the mail room level have exposed the board of directors, the reporting pool, publishing agents and distributors. Most importantly, its total subscribership known in literary circles as "The Magnificent 7" have all been exposed. These individuals will not admit to reading The Drive-On Rag, much less admit that it has become their favorite periodical over the last month. These individuals have been known to read The Drive-On Rag right under the noses of the ordinary joes who only wish they had a subscription. These individuals are: COL Parker, LTC "Donít moon MY chopper!" Bone, SGM "ENDEX!" Pavletic, MSG "Iím gonna GIT that sucka!" Simpson, CPT "Those decisions are made at echelons above reality" Nance, CPT Creighton, and SFC Toliver. Other readers who are NOT part of The Magnificent 7 are: CPT "What?" Vereen, MAJ "CA is a REAL combat multiplier" Gray, SFC Metcalf, SFC Henry, SSG "You canít bust MY balls" Phillips, and poor CPT "Wallflower" Drewett, to name a few.
Well my Faithful Reader (sucker), it is time for all good things to come to a close, and Cabanas 98 is no exception to this rule. It has been a fun filled exercise full of lane setup, tear-down and FTX. And most notably Ponce, and San Juan. The Drive-On Rag staff wishes to thank all players and participants for whatever the hell. NOT! Also a special thanks to the 528th for providing situations to satirize. The Board of directors is SSG "Dr.Evil" Martinez. The publisher is SPC "Wait for light to go out before inserting disk" Woodbridge and CPL "Iím just Big-boned with a pre-adolescent voice" Hendrickson. The Reporting pool consists of: SSG "Yeah, Baby!" Tilley SSG "Whatever" Jones, SGT "The Tooth" Perez, and SSG "Battle Kitten" Crouch. Distributing team included PFC "Hua, SGT" Nulty and SGT "Iíll be back in a couple of hours" Colon. Passive supporters included MAJ "I donít want to know about it" Dulaney, and CPT "Who the hell ate my fucking lunch?" Rahn. CPT "Iíve got a great one for you!" Nance was responsible for the Loch Ness story. SFC Davis for the O club debacle. And who can forget olí MSG Bob, who doesnít really exist, but we all know someone like him. If you didnít get your name mentioned and your feelings are hurt, tough shit! Suck it up and move out, hua? If you want this stuff on disk, just bring a blank floppy over to room 624F, the secret offices of The Rag. Just think: once you get it on disk, you can add your name in and feel your fifteen minutes of fame in the privacy of your home! Hell, you could even become Dr. Evil and hang it in your Team Room!