The Drive-On Rag #1

"Better Late Than Never" or "Merry Christmas, Sucker"

251444Z DEC98 The Unofficial Newspaper of JTF B (Mitch)í98 volume 1



Welcome all you Warriors to "MITCH 98" or should I say "ConBanos 98?" Who knowsÖ? Anyway we are here to pick up the pieces. The 528th has been on the ground since H+7. We arrive at D+39. Hmmm, I guess we arenít the first to arrive, but at least we have the luxury to take our time deciding if we are gonna make a decision to get a plan together to decide if we are going anywhere. Let me say it again because it sounds so GOOD: REGIMENT! Lastest with the leastest. Or: Last in First Out. Well, I guess THATíS not even true since the 528th left town a week ago. (heh-heh) Anyway, the editorial staff of The Drive-On Rag is proud to admit that this rag is a total rip-off of that miserable little publication we put out in Puerto Rico last summer. And now for the disclaimer: The opinions and articles expressed in The Drive-On Rag are in no way intended to kiss anyoneís 4th point of contact (ass). So if you find yourself feeling insulted by the fine journalism being practiced at The Drive-On Rag, we are bound by the highest ethical standards to print rebuttals and the like of weak-minded individuals, in

the editorial section. DRIVE-ON!



The staff of The Drive-On Rag has been very busy insuring that the minimum blood alcohol level is achieved in as short a time possible after being released for the duty day. This has led the staff to sniff out all the local watering holes and has found there to be three of them on base. The Beach Club, The Lizard Lounge, and The Recovery Room. The Beach club, while being the most spacious of the three, is pretty much deader than disco. The staff tried and tried to find out which night of the week was the happening one there, but failed by the numbers. Meanwhile, the rest of the yayhoos were whooping it up at the Lizard Lounge. The Recovery Room allows for a cozy atmosphere. The Lizard Lounge is simply the motz for your drinking and socializing pleasure. The staff of The Drive-On Rag can be found there almost every evening, achieving that minimum blood alcohol level. The Drive-On Rag has also learned that the profit from these clubs goes to the orphanages. So support the children and have another! Oh, and will you please go to the Beach Club? SGT Bob refuses to quit, he is still trying to find the happening night there. We canít get him out of there.



DEAR SGT BOB: "Is drinking beer allowed during my stay here in Honduras?" -A Thirsty SSGT

Dear SSG Jackass: What the hell kind of question is that? You must work for SouthCom. (Hmm) Let me tell you something, drinking is totally unauthorized for your ass. Why donít you go weave yourself a hammock or something? If all you yayhoos were allowed to drink beer, it would lead to other more serious offenses, which are much more intolerable than merely having a couple of brewskis. These activities include, but are not limited to: Billiards, Poker games in the hooches, craps, and smoking.

DEAR SGT BOB: "I miss my wife and kids. Are there any phones that work?" A Lonesome SFC

Dear Lonesome Dove: Look, there are over 300 people on this camp, and it looks like 3 phones in the barracks area. If you feel motivated, you can change into BDUís, hop in your HMMWV and cruise on over to the 2 phones at the Rec Center. A warfighter like you should be patient with the yayhoo on the phone in front of you. Even if you feel like choking the living shit out of the phone hog and yanking out his fingernails one by one because you canít stand to hear one more hour of saccharin sweet love-sick immature crap emit from his vocal sewer into the phone receiver like: "Oh, honey, tell me you love me 67 more timesÖ.." or "Schnookums, if you love me, play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the phone keypadÖ" Maybe you can make that authorized morale call for 15 minutes after duty hours. OOPS!! Looks like the J1 is closed at 1700 and the JTF at 1730hrs. Sorry.

MSG Bob is a graduate of Recondo school, PLDC, SF Q Course (3rd time go), MFF, Lo-Risk SERE, Air Assault, Jumpmaster, and is a former Laundry and Bath Specialist. He has done special duty as a bellhop at Army Guest Housing activities throughout CONUS and OCONUS.



The US Postal Service is proud to issue its latest stamp commemorating all the effort and hard work of US Armed Forces at Soto Cano Air Base by releasing its first stamp in honor of El Guapo. This extremely limited edition stamp will no doubt be a sought after collectorís item for hard core philatelics around the world. An airman excitedly said "Iím gonna be the first kid on my block to put an El Guapo on all my Christmas cards next year! Momís gonna be so proud of me!" Available now at the APO.


The editorial staff of The Drive-On Rag welcomes any submissions for articles and commentary of vital interest to US Troops stationed abroad. Because of the massive response, The Drive-On Rag has had to institute the following procedures concerning submission of articles: First, the writer must be in BDUís while writing his typed, double-spaced article. Submissions will be accepted at the offices of The Drive-On Rag between 0336 and 0337 hrs only, while in civilian clothes only. (Sorry, Marines) Articles will not be accepted from anyone not wearing flip-flops without socks. DRIVE-ON!



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