The Drive-On Rag#9
"YOU LOSE SOME, AND YOU LOSE SOME"
311257Z DEC 98 The Unofficial Newspaper of Soto Cano Air Base (SCAB) volume 9
NEW YEARSí EVE!
Soto Cano Air Base (UPI)Looking for entertainment, or just somewhere to hang out, The Drive-On Rag staff has learned the secret plans that MWR has. This New Yearsí Eve they are teaming up with AT&T to provide us with door prizes. The Drive-On Rag wonít go into detail about it because MWR puts out their own information. You can rest assured that the hard working dedicated staff of The Drive-On Rag will be out in droves that night achieving that minimum blood alcohol level yet again! Oh, and bring your coins, Thusday night is Coin Night where 1LT Miller is buying a round for all that show up with coins before 2000hrs at the Lizard Lounge. Tell them The Drive-On Rag squared you away and get a free refill of any beverage before 1730.
The last edition of The Drive-On Rag was mistakenly printed as Rag #1. In actuality, it was Rag #8 which makes this one Rag #9. Because this is the first error in Rag history, it will no doubt become a collectorís item. The previous 7 issues were published last summer and can be found online at The Drive-On Rag Archives. For those of you losers not in the know, the Archives are sponsored by The Field Commander. Donít tell me. You mortals have never heard of The Field Commander? WellÖthe web address might be published in a future issue for those of you keyboard hoís that surf the web all day and have access. Meanwhile all the rest of the poor schmucks are out building bridges or on the flight line working their asses off. Or, if you just canít wait, e-mail The Field Commander at: FieldCmdr@aol.com, Iím sure he will square you away. Use a lot of begging and groveling when you e-mail him though. Pile it on thick. He likes it that way.
The Lizard Lounge(UPI) In a most unfortunate fashion; well, unfortunate
Supermodel Cindy Crawford has denied ever reading The Drive-On Rag.
for the yayhoo that flapped his lips at the Lizard Lounge recently. The Drive-On Rag staff was on hand to eavesdrop on this poor schmuckís conversation (heh-heh.) Imagine the delight of The Drive-On Rag staff when we heard this yayhoo badmouth The Rag and all the while, he was being overheard by the staff! Apparently, he said that The Rag reported that bar profits went to the orphanage. Editorís note: This was a confirmed source. He mumbled something about profits from alcohol not to be used for charity, and blamed the rag for making this fact knownÖand then he went to the bathroom, never to be seen again. Then again someone said he had a big "L" on his forehead. Listen buddy, we at The Rag practice good old American Freedom of Speech. Now by pasting that label on our paper, we draw even more scrutiny to ourselves. However, The Rag does have high ethical standards in journalism. Oh and if you ever go out drinking with Stubby The Marine, just be careful if you shake his hand! Yeah, heís one of those keyboard hoís mentioned elsewhere too.
ASK SGT BOB
DEAR SGT BOB: "Iíve never been to Honduras before and I would like to see something off post. What should I do?" -A Thirsty SSG
Dear SSG Jackass: Are you the same lameass that asked me about drinking beer last time? Why I oughta ream you a new hole! All you yayhoos think about is getting off post and going downtown. Look jerky, we have three bars, and a few TV sets! If you still want to leave base, just hook up with one of the TMP vehicles. Hell, we have something like 4 Explorers for over 800 people. When will the free wheeling, big money spending madness stop? In these days of do more with fewer people and no per diem, take what you can get and quit complaining! Itís whiners like you that degrade the force. When my daddy was in ĎNam he took snivelers like you and beat them into submission! Consider yourself lucky to be building bridges all day! Hereís a quarter, go wait in line for a phone and call someone that cares!
DEAR SGT BOB: "Can you give me any advice on room clearing?" A Curious SSG
Dear Confused: Finally, a legitimate question from a legitimate soldier. This is the stuff that my column is intended for, not some snivelers asking about beer, phones, and R&R. First, drop and give me 150 pushups. Then, low-crawl over to your Squad Leader like the worm that you are, and tell him you are an idiot! Then drop, give him 150 pushups and ask to borrow his Ranger Handbook while still in the front leaning rest and turn to page 6-30. Thatís where, you will find your answer, dirtbag!
Got a question for SGT Bob? Just put it on a post-it-note and stick it on the side wall of bldg. K-651. Heíll find it!
MSG Bob is a graduate of Recondo school, PLDC, Q Course (3rd time go), MFF, Lo-Risk SERE, Air Assault, Jumpmaster, and is a former Laundry and Bath Specialist. He has done special duty as a bellhop at Army Guest Housing activities throughout CONUS and OCONUS.
BADGES? WE DONíT NEED NO STINKING BADGES!
I guess the headline just says it all...Ö
TOP TEN USEFUL PHRASES WHEN TDY TO MOSLEM AREAS
10. Akbar Khali-Kali Haftir Lotfan. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun
9.Fekr Gabul ush Divar Cardan Davat Gavar:
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms over my head and my legs spread
8. Auto Arraregh Daveteman Oeh Sepaheh-Hast
It is very kind of you to let me travel in the trunk of your car
7. Fashal-eh Tupehman Na Degat Mano Goftam Cheeshayeii Mohemara Jebehkeshvarehman
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital regions I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public
6. Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban The red blindfold will be lovely, Excellency
5. Tikeh nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khrube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious; I must have the recipe
4. Cardan Davat Gush Haftir Lotfan. What time is the next coup?
3. Khali-Kali Haftir Oeh Sepaheh-Hast What time does the next car bomb go off?
2. Davat Gush Fekr Arraregh Daveteman Gabul Cardan Divar
What time does the next hotel blow up?
1.Cheeshayeii Mohemara Jebehkeshvar-ehman Fashal-eh Tupehman
Would you believe this is the first time we have been held hostage?
Yes, readers, itís true that some The Ragís staff enjoys a good smoke a few times a day. Smoking, although discouraged by DOD is still not illegal. It is however, a self-admittedly disgusting habit, like dipping, or like being fat and eating pizza or cake. The nicotine habit however, is being taxed more than other products like beer, hard liquor, and Mayonaise for fat people. Can anyone cite to The Rag an anecdote in which a teen killed himself by crashing into a tree at night after a hard night of smoking? Or maybe he was smoking and driving? Or a driving smoker killing any of those innocent kids on the occasional Public Service announcement? And why do car insurance racketeers ask you if you are a smoker? Maybe they should ask you if youíre a drinker instead. It seems to me that cigarrettes, although an unhealthy and unsightly habit like drinking, dipping, and fat people eating pizza, is still one of the remaining expressions of freedom to self-inflict long term health problems, like alcoholism, and obesity. Although can anyone tell me WHY the price of cigarrettes at AAFES (Army/Air Force Extortion Service) has gone to a whopping $2.85 a PACK? Is anyone sympathetic to the plight of the US Servicemember deployed to remote locations? I will bet anyone that Marlboros are about $1-$1.50 a pack off post. Hell, a good pack of Marlboros costs the SAME as a six-pack of beer! What the Dealio? And I thought that AAFES didnít charge tax. Hmm. Well, it goes right along with their CONUS Gas Racket. Check it out: AAFES charges $1.00 a gal for Regular. Off post it is maybe 1 or 2 cents more. Keep in mind that AAFES does not charge sales tax. This is posted on the pumps along with their disclaimer for not using the gas for commercial purposes, yadda yadda yadda. So hereís the kicker: since the posted gas prices off post INCLUDE sales tax, it is only reasonable that AAFES gas be AT LEAST 6-7 cents cheaper, right? So whatís up with THAT? Heh-heh-heh, makes you think, doesnít it? Editorís note: At the Airport in Tegucigalpa, Marlboros cost 62 cents for a box of 10; equivalent to $1.23 for a pack of 20!
In response to the Club Controversy stirred by The Drive-On Rag, The source is now backpedaling and claiming to be misquoted! Not only that, but this unnamed source (now referred to as a yayhoo by The Ragís staff) has threatened to sue The Drive-On Rag!
Well we at The Drive-On Rag will not be swayed from providing Soto Cano with good hard hitting honest journalism. Especially since Bill Gates bought this newspaper yesterday for an undisclosed amount. Whoever wants to sue The Drive-On Rag will have to deal with Microsoftís legal staff, known as "The Regulators" (heh heh heh). Good luck, sucka!
Editorís Notes: Remember, if you read it in The Drive-On Rag, you know itís true. All facts in The Drive-On Rag are guaranteed to be based on rumor and speculation. And unlike that OTHER "legitimate" paper floating around the mess hall, we are Bilingual! We even give you the translations for the Arabic stuff! Oh, by the way, that grenade simulator in MSG Bobís bathroom stall that was rigged underneath the bottom of the toilet seat wasnít funny. However, you should have seen the look on his face when he ran out of the Latrine with his ass on fire screaming bloody murder! SGT Bob is now walking around camp carrying a donut for his ass under his arm. So if you see him in the mess hall, stay out of his way, heís out for blood. Remember: here at Soto Cano, you canít buy The Drive-On Rag. The Rag is free, but itís not cheap. So if youíre on The Rag, then your buddy must want to be on The Rag, too. So git off your dead ass and make some copies for him!
Submissions will be accepted at the offices of The Drive-On Rag anytime. Just put it on the wall of K-651, you know the deal!